Sometime I feel like I want to disappear, but all I want right now is to be found

Right now, I am a mixture of very happy and very sad. And I am trying to figure it all out, all these feelings and emotions and words and thoughts, and what they all mean. Everything I feel is a contradiction of itself, and I do not understand any of it.

Yesterday was my first day of therapy, and it went great. I start practicing DBT next Monday, and I have very high hopes this a solution for me. Also, my sister is helping me purchase a camper, so I can come back to Georgia, and I couldn’t be more excited. Dallas is ok, but it’s not home at all.

Even though these positive things are happening in my life, I feel overwhelmed with the thought of committing to staying somewhere permanently alone. Why can’t I just be happy about these things? The typical person would be ecstatic in this situation. It makes me wonder if I will ever not fear the silence and solitude of being by myself. Of coarse, I have Oakley, and he is the best company, but this whole situation is so scary for me. Maybe it’s because it’s something I’ve never done. I’ve never been completely independent, and it’s something I want so bad. Fear is standing in the way of my progress, and it’s all in my head.

I’m sick of this version of me. The insecurities keep me from moving forward, and the trauma and abuse damaged my ability to make healthy decisions on my own. I have to move past it. Sometime I feel like I want to disappear, but all I want right now is to be found. I want to find myself, my life, and my happiness.

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