You can’t move forward until you stop looking back. You can only move on if you accept that it’s gone. I no longer want to be strangled by my past, but rather strengthened by it. My soul knows it’s time to close the chapter. I have to let go.
I have to stop victimizing myself repeatedly by things that are finished. I have to train my brain to let go of everything I fear to lose. Because that single thing holds me hostage. It’s almost like I have bars holding me back from happiness. And those bars are simply a mental barrier of protection.
As a a pre-teen, I went to six different middle schools. Yes, middle schools. My mom moved me to Berea, KY before I was in 7th grade. I made the softball team that summer. I was beyond excited. It’s really all I had in my life that made me happy. Mom acted like she was proud of me. Like she was going to be there to watch me play. When we went back to school, and the games started, she wouldn’t even take me. I don’t remember her coming to any game or practice. I was friends with the coaches daughter, and he made sure I always had a way to get back and forth. A couple of months after school started back, my mom decided we were moving back to Georgia. I remember pitching a toddler fit because I wanted to play softball, and I didn’t want to switch schools again. That was the least of her concerns. So because I wanted to stay, and she wanted to go, she made that happen. She somehow pawned me off on the neighbors for two months. This was a great solution for her. She could do what she wanted without having to care and deal with me. She left me all of the time. This was the longest though. I had never been away from my family this long before. I was with a really great family, and I was well taken care of for the duration, so I didn’t complain. It was kind of a good break. I honestly don’t remember how I got back, but eventually I ended up back with dad in Texas again, which was dysfunctional as well.
My fear of being abandoned is agonizing. The hope I have with this blog is to expose myself in the deepest way, so that fear now longer has power—because then I will be free. Fear is no longer serving me, and it’s time I set myself free.
Living in the past is so toxic. At what point do you lay it to rest, and shift your perspective? You have to move on from the past to prepare yourself for what is to come; and you can either swim or drown, because it’s going to keep raining. I can choose to sink, or dance in it. I choose to dance.
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