Sometimes I think my memory is most wicked

Trying to teach myself there is more to adulthood than survival, is grueling. It’s exhausting to wake up everyday and NOT have to think about what my next move is, or where I need to go, or what I need to do to make sure I’m safe; because that is “my normal.” Trying to force myself to live like a “normal” person is just tiring. I’m physically and mentally exhausted daily from cramming my brain with positive affirmations and self-help videos to help me learn normalcy. I’m terrified to plant my roots somewhere. I’m petrified to plan and invest in my future.

Trying to trust the process is the most frightening part. Trusting that it’s actually going to help. How will I ever fully let joy in my heart? It would be immeasurably more than a benefit if I could shift from surviving to thriving.

Sometimes I think my memory is the most wicked. How vividly I can remember trying to save my mom. I wanted her to be my mom so damn bad. And I can’t say that I still don’t sometimes, even though she did horrible things to me. That’s what hurts the most. Knowing she knows she traumatized me, and still doesn’t take accountability or validate it. Here I am a walking ball of anxiety and emotion, and she lives her life as if I’m non-existent or not relevant. I think it would be easier if I was still mad at her. I’m just not anymore.

The anger took over my life, and affected an ensemble of other people in my path. And her life wasn’t affected at all. I know it doesn’t make sense that I would take my anger out on those who loved me, but it’s what I did, and who I was. Just mad at the world. Mad I existed, and mad that I gave a damn.

As raw as you might think this is, it gets deeper. This wound I’m trying to heal is as deep as the ocean. And even then, I’ll still remember. Trauma isn’t something you can just “fix your mindset” about. You can’t logically choose when you are going to feel safe. Especially when I battled impending danger most of my childhood. I feel like I am going to have to cultivate real safety within my whole body. That is so much easier said than done. All I can do is keep going.

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