You’re just sick of the damn tunnel

Sharing how you feel and what’s real can be very scary. I’ve had several people tell me, “Isn’t it hard to publish your darkest secrets for the world to see?” The answer is yes. It is scary. But every time you hold back truth, you make fear more important than love. This is why the depth of your ability to love will always be mirrored by your ability to be honest. And it’s as simple as that.

When I first started this blog I was about to end my life by jumping off a cliff at a canyon. I didn’t have any hope for myself, or for anything in my life. I didn’t think anyone loved me, or cared for me. There comes a point where you no longer care if there is light at the end of the tunnel or not; you’re just sick of the damn tunnel. I felt like the world was against me and I was being thrown to the wolves, like always, to defend for myself. And maybe I was, but this experience has been profound for me. I am working through so much pain and trauma. So much healing is taking place, and I couldn’t be more grateful for my ability to write my feelings and thoughts, and ultimately just be heard.

I cannot wait until all of the pieces come together and I finally understand why I went through everything I did. Nobody tells you this, but sometimes healing hurts more than the wound. I would like to think I feel the pain inside because I am transforming. And transformations can be exhausting because you’re literally draining out old energies that no longer serve you, to make room for the new you. Like the unraveling of untruths you’ve carried in your body come bursting out. I like to think a butterfly is proof you can go through a great deal of darkness, yet still become something beautiful.

I’m still in the process of forming my circle of people. I want to find people that can handle my darkness. People who don’t change the subjects when I share my brutal truths, or those that make you “feel bad” for feeling bad. I want to be around people who know we all struggle, some more than others, and there’s no weakness in admitting it. People who understand life is hard, but also beautiful, and who aren’t afraid to honor both of those realities. I need people in my life who make me feel at home in my heart, mind, body, and soul. I want people who accept me as I am, my life for what it is, and if you don’t, then kick rocks. I don’t need you around. I know I’m a bit quirky, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes dark, and nights are too long. I often fall over my own insecurities. I require attention, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak sometimes when words fail me, and at the end of the day I’m perfectly imperfect; but one things is for sure, I now know I’m worthy of being loved.

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