All gas, no brakes

Healing doesn’t have to look divine and attractive. Healing can be messy. The process is not short, and can be gruelling as you pick up the pieces and work the puzzle. Real healing is exhausting, draining, and sometimes even painful. Let yourself go through it. Don’t try to paint a picture of what you think it should look like, or pretend it’s something it’s not. Be there for yourself without any judgement.

My whole life people have told me I live “wide open,” and I’m such a “free spirit,” almost like a gypsy. I’ve wandered from this place to that place, not ever finding where I truly belong in this world. It’s been said that I reject stability and constantly feel like I have to be on the go. I’m honestly not sure why that is, but I can guarantee, I want that to change. I want a home. I want something that’s mine for me and Oakley. I want him to know where his home is. And that’s something I have failed to provide for myself and Oak. He is my best friend, and I want him to thrive. I want to thrive with him.

Yesterday, I packed my clothes, a few other belongings, and Oakley’s stuff, and here we went again. Wide ass open. On the road back to Georgia for a few days. Final Destination: Dallas, TX. My sister lives in Dallas, and it has to be the best place for me and Oakley at the moment. After being separated from my wife, home has been everywhere, mainly in the car. When the only way you know is wide open, you don’t mean to break things/people/situations. I know I have hurt people so much throughout my life, but the people that know me, know the following to be true: I’ve always done things one way, all gas, no brakes. So Sunday, we will hit the road again in hopes of finally being in the best environment I can be in to heal; with my sister beside me for the first time since I was 12 and she was 10.

Who gets to determine where the old ends, and new begins? Sometimes I wish things weren’t so messy for me. I wish I was just “normal folk” that could have settled down, and raised my family. It just wasn’t the hand I was dealt, and now it’s time to fold on that theory. I’m not “normal,” or just, “regular.” I am dysfunctional and chaotic. But I’m working on it, and I will make it. I have to reach down far in my soul, and find the strength to keep going every, single day. I can’t give up on me.

So it’s time for me to do it. Decide. Is this the person I want to be? Is this the best I can be? Can I be stronger? More compassionate? I have to decide. Breathe in, breathe out and decide. All gas, no brakes.


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