Courage doesn’t always roar

Something I have always feared is failure. Failure at work, failure at life in general. I’m not sure why this word has always hung over my head. The way it looms over me is like a cluster of fruit ready to be harvested. It’s right in front of my face. Along with feeling like I’ve never been good enough or worthy of anything good.

I was hospitalized for 10 days back in 2020 for a suicide attempt. I took more than several pills to end my life, and to make it worse, I did this in front of my 14 year old step-daughter. Failure was the only thing I thought I was during this time. How could a parent do something like this in front of their teenager? How could I be so selfish and thoughtless of her? I beat myself up for such a long time afterwards, and eventually ended up in a deep, dark depression that I couldn’t shake off. I was taking the meds, and doing all of the things to “get better.” Aside from the moment I started this blog, I felt the lowest I ever have felt in my life. I had no hope for me at all. I had given up. I couldn’t keep a job. I couldn’t make my wife happy anymore, and my step-daughter was terrified I wouldn’t get better. Sometimes I think she still is. My fear of failure and hopelessness for myself has now trickled down to every single person that ever tried to love me. I’m nothing but baggage in an old suitcase for everyone. The past couple of years has been so merciless and savage on my family and myself. How could I come back from this?

Hindsight is always 20/20. Failure is the ultimate teacher. Every failure is a lesson, not a title or label. If you are not willing to fail, you really aren’t willing to succeed. I have to say things to myself now, even when I don’t necessarily believe them or I think they are untrue. I’ll say to myself, “Casi Nicole, give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes.” The truth is, I have to do this A LOT. I have to remind myself that life did not come with a manual on how to get it right every time. I am still human, and I will fail. And as cliche as it sounds, it’s all about how you brush off your knees, and get back up. I think that’s what I’m doing right now. I feel like I’m, once again, getting myself back up. I feel like I compare myself to other people sometimes. I think about how successful they are, and how they are great parents, and dammit I want to be like that too. I’m 35, and what do I have to show for it? I’m separated from my wife, yet still having to depend on her for some of my basic needs, and I have a less than desirable parent-daughter relationship with my step-daughter. She knows I love her and would do anything in the world to make her happy, but that’s just it, I haven’t had the capability to give her everything or anything I want to, or even just the bare minimum. Another failure right? I feel like failure is all around me.

I read something the other day that really spoke to me: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.” And this will be my song as I lay my head down every night until I get through this part of my life.

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