I have lied. I have cheated. I can manipulate you without even thinking about it. I can use my words and make you feel so vile, almost like a snake bite; I can make it sting and hurt in one area, then it trickles through. How did I become this monster?
Honestly I’m just proud I’m still breathing and existing right now. I’ve heard my whole life that I didn’t like authority, and when someone tells me to do something, I do the complete opposite, or just negate the whole situation. Am I a psychopath? Maybe a sociopath like my mother? On one hand, I can love so hard and so deep and so pure, and on the other when Im raging I can be worse than a nightmare. I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me. I’m driving right now down 85 south with no destination. I have no money. No insurance to get real psychological help. What is happening to me Why am I going through this? What else is going to happen? I’m so scared to continue this life, and I’m alone. Everyone has washed their hands of me.
It is impossible for me to return my love in a positive way because it’s already been received subconsciously in a negative way.
How do I make it out of this? Some family members tell me you need to go out there and do like everybody else has done and make your own way, pay all your bills, all of the things. The whole problem here is my ability to maintain a full-time 40 hour week job that offers insurance consistently. At work, I get 18 hours next week. How can I pay anything with 18 hours at $12 an hour? How can I find an get a place to live by myself. With everything that goes on inside my head I wholeheartedly do not feel that I have the capability to maintain myself and my independence to the extent that would be expected to function “normally” in society. I cannot manage money. I make impulsive decisions. I don’t think things through. I’m having suicidal ideation again. This is a cry for help to anyone that thinks they can help me. This is huge shoutout to a psychotherapist, psychologist, or somebody that can analyze what is going on with me so that I can better deal with what goes on with me daily. I hear from friends and family I have to fix myself. I do not know how. For the life of me I don’t know how. I feel like I need someone that can guide me of how to make good choices, how to not be impulsive, how to control my behavior, and how to have self control. Is there anybody out there that hears this that can help me? If so, please send me a message, leave a comment, find me on Facebook and let’s talk. I am ready for my life to change. I’m 35 and I am tired of living my life in the shadow of abuse and trauma. I am nothing more than a statistic right now, but I am asking for genuine help. What do I do next?
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